FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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