help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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