Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
