my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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