We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize