South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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