So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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