Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
