took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
