I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
