I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize