I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
