Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
