Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
