At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
