he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
