I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
