He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
