we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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