There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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