While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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