Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Randomize
