i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize