yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
