mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
