My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
