If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
