There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
