He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
