I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
