I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
