I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
