no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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