Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I got her a Nickelback box set.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
