Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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