There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
