Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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