Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
