Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I woke up under a house in Key West
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