cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
