what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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