Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
