There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
