Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
