The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
