We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
