I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
