The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
