If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
