We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
