Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
