my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
The power of my boobs compel you
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize