I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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