apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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