why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
