i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
