I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
