I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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