the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
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