made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
