Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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