SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
