i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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