I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
