Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
