well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Randomize
